own needs last

Anglicare called my wife last night for the spouse’s part of the intake process for Men’s Behaviour Change. It was an hour long conversation.

Later when describing the conversation, my wife included this bit of observation: that I always deprioritise my own needs in favour if others needs. In other words I always put others needs ahead of my own. She cited the example of when she was having difficulty at work, that I’d be a support for her while not getting support in return. That I don’t get the chance to express my own frustrations and that that causes frustration for me and anger...

I guess there’s some truth in that. Perhaps if I ever got to vent my frustrations ever, that I might be less angry, less inclined to bottle things up. But I’m not too sure. There isn’t much I’m that frustrated about (not to the extent of my wife and her work struggles) to need to let off steam in that way. Maybe if the kids are frustrating me... (but if the kids are frustrating, then it usually means that their mum is nearby and then the frustration is with my wife - I yell at the kids and vent that frustration and that’s the behaviour I’m here to change). I’m usually offered the opportunity to say how my day was and clear some frustrations. However I always feel in that situation that I’m only being asked that as a courtesy, so that she can move on to the actual topic of interest - her issues.

Am I really all that angry about that disparity, though. Frankly sometimes it’s a relief not to have to talk about myself. I feel like I squander my chance to speak about my day by just saying “good” when asked “how was your day?” But that’s partly because I feel there’s minimal interest, only courtesy in asking. Also, I often don’t have anything of interest to relate. (Interest is in the eye of the interested). There are ways of making another person feel that your interested in listening to them speak. Listening skills which my wife seems to lack. Respectfulness which shows that you (are at least trying to) understand the things they’re saying. This is something which has ‘bothered’ me since all the way back to 2005, (the Chooka Fell off the Drums story at Taco Bill). But I wouldn’t say it’s the cause of my anger issues, really.

Would I feel less angry if she would listen to me more/better? Probably not, I don’t think. No.

Never Ever Criticise

“Why can’t you ask your wife to get up and help out with the kids and/or the housework?” asked the intake worker at my second intake interview for the Behaviour Change program.

I had been describing a home situation since the last interview where I felt like I was as-risk and the anger issues had arisen again. I described the Saturday morning when the kids were fighting over the iPad and I was trying to deal with that while also doing laundry. My wife stayed in bed throughout. I felt like yelling at them so she can hear “HOW CAN I DEAL WITH YOU WHEN I HAVE TO DO THAT!!?” That is communication to her via screaming at them. That’s how I felt. That’s how I would’ve acted in the past. That’s not what I did then.

In the interview, I replied that I simply cannot ever criticise or judge. Not her parenting, not her housework, not her professional life, not anything, never. Because of the defensive reaction. She gets particularly “how dare he” when our brother-in-law law (or his family) seem to be passing judgement about her parenting approach. Defensive, deny, bite back, get sulky. It sounds like me describing. I guess I’m no different, reacting defensively whenever criticised. Thin skinned you might say. Perhaps she’s emulating me in that regard. I brook no criticism, so she feels like she oughtn’t either.

She’s always said that I over-react to criticism. Even that I detect criticism in non-critical comments. The rubbish bin incident sticks in mind. She stopped me in the middle of taking the bin bag to the wheelie bin and prefaced her remark with can I ask you something without you getting all defensive... then she asked if there was a way it could be done without placing the bin up on the kitchen bench. Defensively, I replied that a way might be discovered if anyone other than me ever did the job. Nope, she concluded,  I guess can’t ask it without defensiveness! The incident illustrates how well she knows my defensive reactions and how predictable they are.

At any rate, on the form for the question: what is Leigh going to work on next, the intake officer wrote “better communication with spouse”

Yes, that is something to work on.

Behaviour Change or Not?

My wife has suggested that Men’s Behaviour Change Prigram might not be the best fit for me...

She’s concerned that exposure to the type of men in that program and their stories is going to be too confrontational and not the best use of my time and effort. She has suggested that other programs or supports might be a better use of my time. Perhaps a parenting program, or 1 on 1 counselling might work better for me.

I can sort of see her point of view. The confronting participants is not something I’m looking forward to. The program is 20 weeks long and can’t start until 8 weeks from now. That means it doesn’t finish until January 2020! So it is a significant investment of time and effort. I get that.

However I do like the list of topics that are covered in the Behaviour Change program. I feel like my needs are not really in the parenting area. I know that I misdirect my anger onto/towards my children, but the anger issues (becoming angry, storing anger, releasing anger, misdirecting anger, etc) are of a type that will be addressed in men’s behaviour change.

Also Men’s Behaviour Change is a title I can point to and say “I did that”. It has a brutal 1984 sound to it. Much more so than the cuddly sounding Caring Dads program. Or other namby-pamby program titles. Men’s Behaviour Change will send a message to my detractors that I understand how broken I am and am in a program to fix me. It is the program that courts send bad-guys to!

Of course I’m not ruling out accessing other supports as well. I’ll keep my psychologist appointment for late July, and the follow-up session mid-August. Those were initially suggested by the Anglicare intake officer on the ohone the day after Mother’s Day. As a immediate urgent measure! After getting my GP referral, those were the earliest, most convenient tines I could arrange. I’ll keep those sessions because... a fresh perspective on the same issues, I guess. I have benefited from speaking to the intake officer in the 2 interviews, but interviews are not therapy. I suppose those conversations and my own reflections can allow me to short-cut into the heart of the problem quicker...

Milk, Knife & Storytime

We went away for the long weekend to the beach house. One morning I was fed up with my wife staying in bed all morning leaving me to manage everything. 

I decided to go out. The children had been begging me to go out walking: to the beach, for a bush walk, so I asked them to come. They turned me down, saying they’d rather watch videos on their iPads instead.

I left anyway, hoping that it’d give my wife a chance to work on her relationship with the kids while I was gone.

I was wrong, so wrong.

While I was out, thereWas an incident with some milk. My wife refused my son a drink of milk, so he helped himself by opening a new carton from the cupboard. This enraged my wife and she screamed at him, apparently.

There was an incident where my daughter threw a knife across the room. She got screamed at for that.

I returned at lunchtime to find them all still in their pyjamas. And all still hostile with one another, especially my wife who was also furious with me for leaving!

Later in the day, I needed a distraction for the kids to divert them while I prepared dinner. I asked them to sit on the couch and read books for a bit. They were scatty about it so I sat with them and had them each read to me. That was fine, they both sat while each read their book. Cool. Then I suggested my wife continued reading them their ongoing chapter book. They got started and the kids were distracted and fidgety and disappeared. She tried to call them back but couldn’t. After that they caused a bunch of mischief in the bedroom. (I don’t remember if they got yelled at for that).

The kids very clearly have a way they behave for me and a different (disrespectful and ‘naughty’) way they behave for her.

I don’t mention these incidents just to point out that my wife is a yelly parent and I’m a good parent. No, it’s to illustrate the frustration I feel at not being able to leave the kids in her care. I feel I can’t leave the house for fear of conflict beginning whenever my back is turned. Sometimes if I even go to the toilet, I can hear conflict eruprlting while I’m on the can! It’s scary to think that the thing that stands between our nice family and all-out screaming war is my temper! This is an ongoing frustration that I face.

Safe Harbour

I watched my daughter this past weekend (19/5). We were at my sister’s in-laws. The kids and grandparents had the tv on and all sitting on the couch. I saw my daughter snuggle into the grandmother (my sister’s mother-in-law) and I noticed what a safe-harbour she is, not only for her own grand-kids but for others also. My daughter seemed uncharacteristically secure and at peace. My sisters mother in law makes herself out to be grandmother-to-all, refers to herself in the third-person as “Nanny”. My wife hates it and discourages this relationship between our kids and someone who’s not their own Nanny. Wife makes the kids call her by name and not “Nanny”.
I do wonder if my daughter has such a safe haven anywhere else in her life. Does she get that with her own grandmother?
I feel like my daughters parents are not providing such a safe harbour. At home daughter gets yelled at too much by mum and dad. Perhaps she has safety with her brother. That’s why she’d rather play with him in the schoolyard that kids from her class, kids her own age. She does have trouble making friends. My son plays with her, but why would any other kids want to?
I wonder if her struggle to make friendships are because of the destructive relationships she has at home. Because the template she has for loving relationships is one of combat. Other kids experiencing her combat won't want to play with her.
When discussing this with my wife and she dismisses this view. She puts it down to her epilepsy. Her condition is what stops her from forming loving relationships. I don't know, that doesn't seem right to me.