Later when describing the conversation, my wife included this bit of observation: that I always deprioritise my own needs in favour if others needs. In other words I always put others needs ahead of my own. She cited the example of when she was having difficulty at work, that I’d be a support for her while not getting support in return. That I don’t get the chance to express my own frustrations and that that causes frustration for me and anger...
I guess there’s some truth in that. Perhaps if I ever got to vent my frustrations ever, that I might be less angry, less inclined to bottle things up. But I’m not too sure. There isn’t much I’m that frustrated about (not to the extent of my wife and her work struggles) to need to let off steam in that way. Maybe if the kids are frustrating me... (but if the kids are frustrating, then it usually means that their mum is nearby and then the frustration is with my wife - I yell at the kids and vent that frustration and that’s the behaviour I’m here to change). I’m usually offered the opportunity to say how my day was and clear some frustrations. However I always feel in that situation that I’m only being asked that as a courtesy, so that she can move on to the actual topic of interest - her issues.
Am I really all that angry about that disparity, though. Frankly sometimes it’s a relief not to have to talk about myself. I feel like I squander my chance to speak about my day by just saying “good” when asked “how was your day?” But that’s partly because I feel there’s minimal interest, only courtesy in asking. Also, I often don’t have anything of interest to relate. (Interest is in the eye of the interested). There are ways of making another person feel that your interested in listening to them speak. Listening skills which my wife seems to lack. Respectfulness which shows that you (are at least trying to) understand the things they’re saying. This is something which has ‘bothered’ me since all the way back to 2005, (the Chooka Fell off the Drums story at Taco Bill). But I wouldn’t say it’s the cause of my anger issues, really.
Would I feel less angry if she would listen to me more/better? Probably not, I don’t think. No.
