Loser at the Game of Life

For games-night recently we played Game of Life Junior. In that board game, players collect star tokens by performing challenges printed on cards. My son turned up a card which asked him to depict in mime one of the other players at the table. His impression was of a screaming, shouting, angry, monster. The depiction of me was so at odds with my own image of myself that I failed to guess correctly and he didn’t earn the star.
Beyond that, I was partly offended that that is still the impression he has of me. I fool myself into thinking that I have tamed the anger, but when my son thinks of me, he pictures that. Perhaps he is so permanently damaged from the yelling he was exposed to when very little, that the monstrous image he has of me can NEVER be erased, no matter how loving and calm I become.
It goes to show how blind I’ve been to my own behaviour. I think I’m the calm parent. I think I’m the parent who demonstrates love. But I am wrong.
In fact I am demonstrating that love looks like screaming. At least I am participating in that demonstration. I vowed last week that I never want to raise my voice to the kids again. I think it’s about more than that too. It’s about enjoying the kids company. Demonstrating that you enjoy the things they’re doing. Doing productive things with them, so that their behaviour does not make you angry. Being a safe place for them.

Anger Management

I think I’m beginning to understand them when they say that Anger Management by itself is not the answer.
Yes, I get angry and yes, I need strategies to channel my anger non-destructively.
But management can’t be the only solution. I now know that I need to weed out the causes of my anger. These will be things to work through with a counselling/therapist/ psychologist...

I’m about to do a quite difficult listing exercise and give initial thoughts on things which might be causing me undue anger:

• Relationship problems
• Sharing the ‘Mental load’
• Partner parenting disparity
• Deep resentment about my own parenting
• Life’s not turning out how I imagined

The listing was not that difficult. In truth I’ve only listed broad categories here, and not gotten into the nitty-gritty which is the hard stuff to process.

Rage Supression

I realise one of my problems is that I stockpile anger to use it later. I let little frustrations bottle up and fester and then explode in a huge destructive release.

My theory is that my wife when she screams at the kids constantly is releasing her frustrations all day long - therefore no build-up to a huge explosion.

Thinking about this process of stockpiling... there must be ‘tools’ and insights for avoiding or alleviating this situation. Tools that I don’t have (and that I want to acquire).

Firstly

How do I not stockpile rage?
How do I process each small frustration there-and-then so that it doesn’t build up and be part of a bigger release?
If I would process each one, I guess perhaps it might look something a bit like:

• calmly telling my frustrations why they’re making me cross.
• finding an immediate alternative release for that small amount of tension so that it gets discharged and there is no build-up.
• Find ways to prevent these happening (ie a schedule to help my daughter not be so slow of a morning)

Secondly

How do I know if I’m stockpiling rage?
If I were a garbage bin I could see that it’s getting a bit full - and I’d say “better empty that or it will overflow”. I don’t have an indicator display which shows a needle crossing into the red zone. So what are the indicators?

• Physical signs? Tension, shortness of breath, I don’t know...?
• Smaller explosions of increasing magnitude...? (The Mother’s Day weekend had lots of those - the kids, the birthday, Auskick, preparing the house, doing the lunch)

When I say that I have successfully become a calmer & less angry/shouty dad over the last 4-5 years, perhaps what I’ve really been doing is enacting a rage-suppression program. What I thought were occasional ‘lapses’ in an otherwise calm sea were in fact not lapses, but the inevitable (probably obvious) outcome of my rage suppression. 

I suppose what did happen is my wife said “don’t yell at the kids anymore” and so I abruptly stopped. I didn’t stop being angry, I just stopped expressing it. I stopped regularly expressing it - I’d express it at intervals.

Display

To what extent is my domestic violence a display to attract another's attention?

Sometimes afterwards (& even during) I contemplate that  I'm shouting so loudly so that xxx can also hear this. I suppose I'm trying to get x to respond. X is usually my wife, I suppose and often (sub)consciously I'm frustrated/angry with her, actually.

I'm beginning to wonder if the Mothers Day event was that as well. So, I'd sat there quietly all afternoon and politely listened to banal conversation. I'd come off 48 hours of hard work where I'd cleaned the house for company. I'd cooked the massive roast lunch which was not without it's problems to sort. I'd had run-ins with the wife about who'd run the kitchen this day. I'd felt sick from a cold. Of course I offer none of that as excuses in-any-way as the CHOICE I was about to make, but perhaps it helps me to judge if it was display abuse.

It might have been: LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO! I CAN TERRORISE A FRIGHTENED CHILD! I AM A BIG MAN, I AM! LOOK AT ME. I WANT YOU TO SEE MY EMOTIONAL SIDE. I WANT YOU TO SEE THAT I'M NOT UNAFFECTED BY ALL THIS. I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW FRUSTRATED YOU'RE MAKING ME. I WANT YOU TO KNOW I HATE YOU.

And even if the emotions had been positive, the expression is still: THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO NICE BIRTHDAY PRESENTS! YOU CARE ABOUT ME BUT I HATE MYSELF. YOU'VE BEEN THOUGHTFUL AND NICE. YOU'VE ASKED ME ABOUT MY LIFE AND RECENT EXPERIENCES AND I STRUGGLED TO ANSWER. I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD!!! THE ONLY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE I KNOW IS THIS. THIS THIS! THIS! LOOK AT THIIIS!

In The Witch's Familiar, when Missy hides Clara inside the Dalek casing and now all Clara's emotional utterances are EXTERMINATE, (I love you = EXTERMINATE) because hate is the only emotion a Dalek knows.

Is that me?

Coward In Search of Victims

I’ve been doing angry shouting for a long long time now.
When I was a teacher, I was a very SHOUTy teacher. I'd shout at those kids all day.

I think it was especially true of teaching at schools where I was unhappy ie Especially at Eumemmerring College, but especially also at Blackburn High, at Darwin High, perhaps not BendigoSSC), that other school where I worked ...

I guess I'd target the whole-class rather than individuals - hard to remember. Only one individual springs to mind as someone I’d regularly scream at. A bit in year 8 (7maybe) who would not behave, wouldn’t do schoolwork and would distract everyone. From an abusive home clearly and then having me during the day. What a life for the poor kid. I’d be frustrated with him and so I’d scream at him to relieve my own stress, rather than process it like an adult.  Rather than not-get-angry-in-the-first-place.

In some schools, some people might comment - “my but you're a shouty teacher - you've got a loud voice...”, etc. I’d apologise and ask if they think I should tone it down. But I wouldn’t change. I had so little control.

I’m mot much of a shouter in other areas of my life, people would not stand for it, to be treated that way. They’d retaliate at least! I was in a profession that exposed me to little people over whom I had power. So I felt I could abuse and scream at them without repercussion. Small victims who were trapped and unable to escape. What a fucking coward.

And now I have two fresh victims who haven’t the power to escape, they can’t offer resistance or retaliation. Like a coward, I am abusing my position of trust and power, yet again.

Men's Behaviour Change Interview

The intake interview for the Anglicare Mens Behaviour Change program was today.
I was dreading it but I guess it was less brutal than I expected. She asked me all the probing questions to try to find out about who I am, how I'm broken and if the program is going to be a good fit and worthwhile for me.
Some of the things were reasonably easy for me to answer - because I've been reflecting on them for some weeks now, via this blog - so its been a good thing for me to do, to enable me to articulate what I want to say in those situations. Some questions were harder because I didn't have answers, I hadn't thought about them as much before now.

• You get frustrated with your wife, yes? Over parenting but what else? Her anxieties...
• How have you tried to make yourself different from your dad? Parenting is one, but others...?
• What else do you do to alleviate frustration? What strategies do you have apart from yelling at the kids? (this same answerless question came up in the conversation with MRS).
• Describe the effect of your violent anger on your daughter. And on your son..?
• What other questions were hard to answer?

Criminal Responsibility

Ahead of my GP visit (15/5), my wife wants me to ask the doctor to examine me in search of medical/physical factors which might be additional reasons why I commit/ted family violence. She believes that if I was suffering from low this or high that it might explain the choice I made/make.

But I say no.

In my eyes that kind of explanation offers flimsy excuses and diminishes my responsibility for the CHOICE I made.
"Oh, I couldn't control my anger because I was my blood pressure's high...", "I lashed out because I've been a bit tired lately...", "I regularly commit horrific acts family violence because I'm a bit iron deficient..."

The CHOICES I make are mine.
And even though I am seeking help to learn how to make better choices, the choices themselves are not because of any superficial medical condition, they're because at heart I am a broken and damaged coward.

Immediate Separation

The agencies I spoke to on Monday (14/5) recommended considering a separation from the family. This is in order to keep the children safe. By my staying, the kids are a risk of trauma from the unpredictability of my family violence. Both asked me if I could guarantee that I wouldn't do it again. I couldn't with 100% certainty say that I wouldn't and so couldn't vouchsafe the children's safety. They then recommended considering leaving. This suggestion came from the Anglicare Men's Behaviour Change Program Intake officer and from the Men's Referral Service phone counsellor. The Anglicare officer recommended it as an urgent priority.

I discussed their recommendation with my wife on Monday night and put it to her that in their opinion the children's safety can only be guaranteed if I am not around.
She disagreed with that assessment.
She asked if I agree with the assessment - I said I didn't know one way or the other.
She said that removing me would likely be more traumatic for the kids (I should have asked for specifics as to why, but never-mind).
She accurately predicted that what I'd described to the agencies was the worst of my family violence behaviour and the latest trigger incident. She then described what I'd omitted about being a caring, patient, attentive nurturing, dad 99% of the time. None of which I think mitigates the other 1%.

The agencies both reckoned that for practical reasons my leaving might put undue strain and stress on my wife to deal with the family alone - which might prohibit the step. I agree with that, it'd be hard. The logistics would be difficult. I had thought it might work for weekends/a weekend. That way, I'd be around for school drop-off/pickup/etc, but absent when the kids are mostly home. I wonder if there's be merit in that? My wife was adamant enough that I did not venture this idea in our discussion.

Sliding Door

In the 1980s, I was best-mates with a boy at school. We lost touch after school but had shared some formative experiences together. I went to his funeral recently and learned what his life had been like since I'd seen him.
He'd become a parent also, I learned. His children were not in attendance because they now live abroad in their mother's homeland, that much was stated. Much of the issues around the separation are not suitable to be aired at a funeral service, although his struggle with rage was mentioned. Reading between the lines, I surmise that she'd removed the children from their father because of family violence perpetrated by him. The extent of which I don't know - verbal, physical, other types perhaps.
My friend took his own life, sadly. I do not know the circumstances, but to guess, I'd probably say that he could not reach a place where he could control the rage, so he felt he could never be reconciled with his two children.
It makes me contemplate our two life paths; the similarities in our upbringings, the formative times we spent learning how to be young men together, our similar inner turmoil with similar impacts on those we love most.
I do not want to continue down the same path as my friend.
I do not want to traumatise and scar my children as he did.
I do not want to lose my children.
I do not want to descend into his desperate depression.
I do not want take my own life.

Id rather:
Change the path I'm on.
Maintain loving relationships and contact with my children.
I want to avoid further depression.
I want never to feel like ending-it is my only option.

The Dreaded Weekend

As I expected, the weekend was harder to get through than the week. Was I dreading the weekend because I knew I’d be spending more time with the kids than on weekdays? Or was I dreading the weekend because I knew it’d be time with the kids and their mum all together?

Saturday morning I had to seperate 2 fighting kids. I was trying to do the laundry and couldn’t focus on diverting them into a productive activity. I got flustered because my wife was awake lying in bed as is her usual weekend morning wont. I removed the iPad and took my daughter to the park as an outlet for my/her/our frustration. My sone went to ground and wouldn’t go, but daughter was happy to get out of the house for a while.
We had a nice time together- unfortunately she didn’t want to kick footy for long and then she explored the playground (not so frustration-alleviating for me). Still my daughter and I were getting along well. When my wife showed up so we could go vote was when my daughter turned. She became sooky, tired, grizzly, etc. I got frustrated with that and angrily tried to snap her out of it bus, as vowed, I did not raise my voice.

I had a very acute awareness of the anger building. It is a thing I do to try to ‘rescue’ my wife from badly behaving children. I jump in and seperate them from mum, and if I can’t get my own positive relationship back, I turn nasty, blaming the kid for the conflict with mum - that it’s their misbehaviour I’m cross about. Sometimes it’s physical mistreatment: grab, snatch, grip, squeeze, pull * and it was again Saturday. I tried to grab my daughters hand and my plan was to squeeze tight. Luckily she evaded my grip.

Sunday I took my son to Officeworks for a school project and when we were out my wife and daughter had a screaming session one against the other. I returned and offered to take the kids by myself to the birthday party. My wife stayed home and later revealed that she could feel herself become calm the minute the kids were gone.

Our outing was fine and I could also feel a lack of tension. Some missing anxiety of conflict. I felt I knew that if I asked the kids to do something, they’d comply. We had a disagreement over the playroom as we were leaving but they were ok with it. If my wife was there we’d have all been in conflict over it I reckon. Me, her, them.

All these conflict have a common antagonist. 🙁 This reveals an unhappy truth that I will have to face at some point soon...

* nb: never hit, smack...

What Am I Really Angry At?

When I'm in the moment of yelling at the kids (or sometimes after) I sometimes find myself wondering ... Am I just screaming abuse at you as a release...? Am I taking out my frustration on you because you're small and can't fight back...? Do I go around looking for a child (a victim) to scream at when actually I am angry about other things...? At other people...?

Often I can identify the real object of my anger, I can join the dots between an earlier frustrating interaction (with someone my own size) and the current provocation before me (with a child victim).
When I describe my habitual behaviour in this way I am revolted.

I can often draw that connection, but for the Sunday Mothers Day incident, I cannot. There had been some frustrations through the weekend which perhaps I'd bottled up, but nothing specific I can point to and say "that explains why I snapped".